The five stages of grief

It’s a dark day when you have to say goodbye to a friend.

The first day I heard the news, my first response was disbelief. I had to go to your Facebook page to see if it was true. They say the first stage of grief is denial. I couldn’t wrap around the fact that you were gone. I kept picturing your face, imagining that this was some kind of joke, that everything would be okay. The day I heard, I couldn’t (still can’t) believe in a reality that didn’t have you.

The shock of losing you so suddenly was the worst. I hated that I never got to say goodbye to you one last time. I never knew that the last time I saw you would be the last time. If I got to see you one last time I would have liked to say thanks for being such a great friend, for always caring and looking out. You deserved everything good in this life, and I’m angry that it all got taken away from you so early.

I keep thinking back to the times we spent together, when you would randomly crash our girls’ nights, because you loved being the only guy in the room, when you would hit me up for restaurants to eat at. Thanks for taking care of me that night I got so drunk and vomited in the car that you loved so much.

I still can’t believe you’re not coming back. It hurts so bad, because I never got to say goodbye properly. I wish so much that I had seen you one last time, that we had actually gotten around to our catch up meal before this unfortunate turn of events.

Today was the day that I was supposed to say my last goodbye, but instead I feel worse than ever. I felt so deeply for the others whose lives you’ve touched. Seeing the grief of everyone today shows how deeply loved you are.

Well, here’s my messy and convoluted goodbye. I’m angry that this happened to you of all people, you, who worked so hard to get to where you were. I’m angry that you didn’t get to grow old and have wrinkles. It’s still hard for me to wrap my head around what’s happened. I don’t know long it’ll take for me to accept it, or for it to stop hurting. Goodbye for now, you are loved and missed dearly.

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